


to love and lose (and love again)

by sebayard



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, Krolia POV, Multi, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-06-23 17:04:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15610911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sebayard/pseuds/sebayard
Summary: “Where did you learn to do this?” She asked, when all was said and done and she was able to pick apart and put back together all the shattered pieces at her feet.The light dusting of pink across Keith’s cheeks did not go unnoticed. “Shiro.” It’s all he said, and yet Krolia knew what he meant. It was in the eyes, Krolia noticed. His eyes tend to speak volumes more than he let on.Just like her, his father would say.Krolia thinks about what she left behind, and what Shiro has in front of him.





	to love and lose (and love again)

Sometimes, Krolia had nightmares.

They’re not often, or not as often as they could be, should be, but each one was the same, and each one broke her as if it were the first time.

They’re always burning. They’re always burning and she’s always walking away. No matter what she screamed and yelled, begged and pleaded, she always left them and they always burned, dissolved, died, vanished to ash and dust before her very eyes.

Krolia wasn’t a fool. She knew what it meant.

The wound was a fresh one, even all those years later. A large piece of Krolia died when she left Earth, left Keith, left Him. She was torn down the middle, right at the seam, her insides thrown out and tossed aside, still at the house where she left them. Watching Earth, her home, her life, shrink behind her, Krolia became a husk. Her soul, her self, was gone, left behind in that little house in the desert, that beautiful place where she learned to be less of a pawn and more of a person again.

But she healed, in time. She had to. War doesn’t give you the luxury of staying broken if you want to survive. And Krolia wasn’t just fighting for herself anymore. As much as it pained her, as much as it ripped her to shreds, she could look past the hurt and towards a future where her family was whole and together and safe. It was with this vision Krolia knew she did the right thing.

She held true to this conviction for a long time. Anything less would have destroyed her. And she still held it, clutched it tightly to her chest every night, although when she thought about her son standing over His grave, her conviction wavered, tilted on its axis, crashed and shattered at her feet.

This was when the nightmares happened.

At first, they took a while to come. At first, she was okay. But after their fifty-fourth night traveling through the quantum abyss, there was the burning and the screaming and the pleading and the pain. Her wound ripped wide open, exposing her and her regrets. But Keith, ever Krolia’s saving grace, Keith, her baby boy, was there in an instant, rubbing circles on her back, helping her breathe, grounding her back to the present.

“Where did you learn to do this?” She asked, when all was said and done and she was able to pick apart and put back together all the shattered pieces at her feet.

The light dusting of pink across Keith’s cheeks did not go unnoticed. “Shiro.” It’s all he said, and yet Krolia knew what he meant. It was in the eyes, Krolia noticed. His eyes tend to speak volumes more than he let on.

Just like her, his father would say.

Even so, Krolia got a glimpse as to just what Keith meant the next day. It was a two-for-one memory, back to back like scenes from a movie. The first was quick and fleeting; Keith hugging his knees, tears in his eyes while another boy, face turned away, knelt beside him, asked him about space, the constellations, the moons and the planets until his breathing evened out and cheeks dried.

The sight hurt, but there was also relief, cool like water. At least he wasn’t alone. At least someone was there to wipe the tears away when she couldn’t.

But then the memory lurched forward, looked as if a film was playing on fast forward before landing on its desired destination. She saw the stars, and Krolia knew this one was more recent. Barely months, maybe even just weeks ago.

The room was dark, but she could see a man, emaciated, his hair long and sticking, lurch forward, a scream being born on his lips.

But Keith was there.

He held him close, whispered to him, ran his fingers through his hair. “I’m here, Shiro. You’re safe. They’ll never touch you again, I promise. I’m here.” The man,  _Shiro_ , breathed deep, his frantic eyes landing on Keith’s face before calming and closing.

Ah. 

Of course.

Krolia knew that look.

The two of them experienced enough shared memories for it to no longer be awkward, but still Keith’s face went pink and he had trouble looking Krolia in the eye for about an hour afterwards.

She could tell he was waiting for her to bring it up, to say something about it, but she didn’t. Krolia understood. 

Love was a fickle little thing, after all.

 

* * *

 

 

There was a time, a lifetime ago, when He would curl up around her, hold her tight, chase her demons away with a kiss and a smile. He’d whisper to her, sing softly when the memories of her past became too vivid and bloody and real. There was a time when she’d cling to Him, fight the universe for Him, daring anyone and anything that got in their way. 

There was a time when they saved each other, and Krolia would be lying if she said she didn’t crave for those times like a drug, mourn for that loss nearly every night. 

Tonight was one of those nights.

They were on their way to some sort of homecoming, a reunion with humanity Krolia never expected to have. But Earth was still millions of lightyears away, and the road was rough. Of course, Keith did what he could, and Krolia loved him for it. She could see the ghost of Him in the way he talked and lead and laughed, and her heart swelled beyond capacity. Krolia never expected to have this, to be gifted this second chance like manna from heaven. To know her son and to be his mother seemed like a luxury she would never be able to afford. Watching him grow up, watching him lead was one of the biggest honors she could imagine, and Krolia cherished every moment.

But sometimes she’d look at him, and she’d remember that there’s an integral piece missing, an important number in the equation erased, and her nightmares would return, invasive and uninvited.

Krolia snuck away to a small hill near their camp that night, closed her eyes and pretended to feel His arms around her, His head resting on the crook of her neck. If she imagined hard enough, she could pretend He was happy and whole and here, able to witness this. Their reunion. Their son becoming a man. If only. If only. If only. 

She was only there for ten minutes before she felt another presence beside her. Opening her eyes, she’s surprised to not see her son, but Shiro, knees tucked underneath his chin as he looked out across the valley in front of them.

“Couldn’t sleep?” she asked, not turning to face him, giving him the space he needed.

“Yes.”

“A nightmare?”

“...Yes.”

She glanced at him. Even with his white hair, he looked so young, so vulnerable. With everything he and Keith had been through, it was easy to forget their youth. They were kids. All of them. And yet they hunched over with the weight of the universe on their shoulders. 

And Krolia loved them.

“Shiro.”

“Yeah?”

She nodded in the direction of the camp. “Go to him.”

In the dark, Krolia saw him rub a hand over his face. “It’s the third time this week, Krolia, I don’t want to burden him. He’s already doing so much...”

Krolia understood the sentiment. She really did. But she also knew the truth. “Shiro, that’s impossible. He loves you.” Shiro sucked in a breath sharply, and Krolia heard its shaky release. “You know that. Go to him. He’s worth it.” 

He closed his eyes, and Krolia could make out the line of a faint smile before it faded as he looked at her, concerned. “And you? What about you? You’re his mother. He’d be here for you in a heartbeat if you asked.”

It’s true, but unlike Shiro, Keith isn’t who she needed right now. Closing her eyes, Krolia felt ghost arms around her waist, making her shiver. “I’ve got this handled. Now go. He’s waiting.”  _Go, while he’s still there,_ she wanted to say.

“Are you sur-”

“Yes. Go. He wants you to. And it’s okay to want  _him_ , Shiro. It’s okay.”

He looked at her, mouth parted. “Okay,” he whispered, before getting up and turning back towards the camp.

There was one more thing she needed to know, though, before he went. “Shiro?”

“Hm?”

“You love him.”

It’s not a question, but Shiro answered anyway. “With my whole heart.”

Good.

She closed her eyes, imagined Him standing before her, smile wide and heart beating. “Then don’t let him go.”

His face turned soft, face full of affection and warmth and sincerity, and Krolia knew they’d be okay.

“Never.”

**Author's Note:**

> Just a quick thing before season 7 comes to take me. Hope you enjoyed it!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [to die and live (and love still) [The Zombie Cyborg Remix]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19144252) by [papirini](https://archiveofourown.org/users/papirini/pseuds/papirini)




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